Discovered as an 18-year-old by Steve Kean who described him as having “the best left slipper in Uxbridge” he was sadly lost to the beautiful game when Kean’s then Manager told him to “f-off”. The Miracle has not let that set back stop him firing out groan inducing puns at a terrific rate and being a nuisance to football fans and unsuspecting bookies alike. Here he previews the new season for his beloved blues as they look to make up 25 points on the Manchester clubs…..

Football News 24/7

We know you’ve just come off a trophy laden season but if you could change one thing about Chelsea what would it be?

I’d like to see some structure and organisation within the club, and can we just stop finding jobs for Michael Emenalo?

We’re asking the questions fella! What’s the agenda for the blues this season?

We should be genuine title contenders this season, and mount a solid defence of the European Cup. World Champions in Tokyo would be nice, too…

Always a difficult question after the season you ended up having last time out but just what would  you consider as success this season?

To regain the EPL title, and be amongst the last 4 in the ECL

What needs to happen for Chelsea to regain the title?

Fernando Torres to start firing, the new signings to settle in, and the spine of the team to stay injury-free. And referees to stop constantly stitching us up.

Red Rom’s splashed the cash but there are some players even he can’t buy. If we offered you one player from anywhere in world football who would take and why?

I want Claude Makelele back. I feel sorry for Jon Obi trying to fill his boots, he is irreplaceable

So tell us one thing RDM will say before he is inevitably relieved of his duties…

“I think Andre Villas Boas has just been very unlucky this season at Tottenham”

So we can guess the answer to this but how has the transfer window gone for CFC so far? 

Excellent. Roman is flexing his financial muscle, and bringing his “my yacht’s bigger than yours” attitude back to the Bridge.

Plenty of young talent injecting new life into an ageing squad at Stamford Bridge, which signing are you most excited by?

Eden Hazard. People have stopped making noise about him because WE got him, but he’s going to be awesome.

Oscar also looks like he’s not shy of a nutmeg or two, any signings that got away?

The Hulk would have been an excellent merchandising machine, but I wasn’t convinced of his talents.

Any new players signed that you think the club could have done without?

There’ll probably be a few, as we are apparently still after Victor Moses(!) and others. We generally try to buy everyone and see who comes good.

Nice strategy if you can afford it, anyone you’re surprised is still at the club?

No, the players that annoyed me the most last season have been released.

In your opinion who’ll be the signing of the season?

Pogrebnyak is a tremendous coup for Reading – he’s deadly!

And Biggest flop?

Add Kagawa to the list of Fergie’s “Bellion Dollar Bebes”. A flop if ever I saw one.

Interesting choice, deadline day looms, do you expect any last minute drama?

The only drama will be Jim White trying desperately to create an atmosphere of drama.

So once again plenty of new names from abroad, as a pun smith of some repute can you tell us one of the puns the red tops will use for any of the new signings?

Spirit o’ Santi (Cazorla)

This season, goal line technology will appear at some stage, will it actually make any difference?

Yes, an immediate breath of fresh air, and a reduction in calamitous officiating that usually ends up in Chelsea getting stitched up

Yes like that time you got stitched up in the FA Cup semi-final against Spurs! let’s get to some predictions then, the Premiership for 2012/13 will be won by…

Chelsea

Surprise surprise! Aside from the obvious, what makes you tip them?

Same rock-solid defence, a confident Torres, some new flair players…..and no AVB!

Who will take the other Champions League qualification places?

United, City, Liverpool

Who are the three clubs that will get relegated?

Wigan, Norwich, West Ham

Chelsea have made the FA Cup their own in recent times, who will win it this time?

City

No one has ever defended the Champions League, Chelsea are the latest to try, who will win it this season?

Real

Your tip for the Premiership Golden Boot is….

Torres

And footballer of the year?

Gnégnéri Yaya Toure

Finally, what is the most ridiculous thing Mario Balotelli will do this season?

Convert to Islam, and throw a massive tantrum when his micropig is refused entry into the Mosque!

 @UxbridgeMiracle (Chelsea fan)